Givers and Takers

I tend to divide the world constantly into two groups.  This interesting article starts with a view about dividing the world into two groups: the givers and takers. The beginning is a great story about how a man running a tennis camp shares a very simple concept with the kids, and changes behavior the very next day.  Read the article here.

Are you a giver or are you a taker? Can givers be friends with takers? Can takers masquerade as givers? Can takers be happy?

I know a lot of givers. What I like about them is their generosity, their view of doing the right thing, and how they put their needs to the side authentically. They give when no one is watching.  They’re genuinely happy for your success.

Takers are tiring: they feel depleting to be around. You feel you have to hide your wins because you don’t want them to feel bad. You’re not your best self because you’re defensive. Everything gets defined by how they feel.

One lesson learned for me is that I am not my best self when I have takers in my life. Reciprocity is one thing, but feeling like you’re the one who’s always giving is exhausting. While it’s never easy to remove takers in your life (they can be family members, long time friends), it does change the quality of your life.

Something to think about. What are you surrounded by?

“If all you have is a hammer, every problem is a nail.”

Imagine you’re working on your house. You’re learning how to nail with a hammer. At first, it was awkward, you hit your thumb, didn’t hit the nail straight. But eventually you got better. You mastered the skill. There are other tools: a sander, a wrench, an electrical sensor. But they’re new, and they look scary. You know you won’t be as good with those tools as you are with the hammer.

Here’s the thing. The more tools you know how to use, the more problems you’ll be able to fix. Sure, it won’t feel comfortable. You’ll go through the same learning curve that you did with the hammer. But eventually, you will get the hang of it. And you’ll know how to fix the problem with the right tool: not using the hammer when there’s a much better alternative.

Pushing yourself to learn new skills is the same thing. Yes, it won’t feel comfortable. You’ll miss the hammer. But if you keep pushing yourself and taking the hard assignments, you can be the general contractor, not just the person who knows how to hammer.

 

How to Write

I have struggled with this from the time my English teacher at school gave me C+s on my papers no matter how hard I worked on them. It was incredibly frustrating (plus I didn’t like the teacher). But, I did learn how to get better.

So, I’ll let you in on a lesson learned. There are only 2 rules you need to follow:

1. Use the fewest number of words possible AND

2. Leave nothing open to interpretation

If you are able to meet the above criteria, you will have hit the mark.  It applies to everything: emails, presentations, submissions to a report. I can’t tell you how many times people add tons of detail which isn’t relevant, or they’re ambiguous with their language so that the meaning is unclear.  I have seen situations when one poorly chosen word confused the entire audience. Stop. Take a moment and see if you meet these top two criteria. And re-read your copy of Elements of Style.

What Makes a Leader?

This is an old article from the Harvard Business Review, but reading it again reminded me of how on point it still was. Written by Daniel Goleman, who first brought the concept of “emotional intelligence” with his book, this article is still incredibly relevant, if not more.

Goleman talks about the five components of Emotional Intelligence at Work:

1) Self Awareness: what’s interesting is that the hallmarks of self-awareness are self-confidence, but also a self-deprecating sense of humor. I recently saw a job posting describing the culture of the firm: one word they used that stuck out to me that you don’t see very often- humble.

2) Self-Regulation: the simple “think, before you speak or act”. He says “People who are in control of their feelings and impulses – that is, people who are reasonable – are able to create an environment of trust and fairness.”

3) Motivation – “a passion for work for reasons that go beyond money or status.”  Phrasing this differently, the reasons can be for ideals bigger than you. Dedication to your company. Becoming a doctor because you lost a relative to a disease . The people who are really inspired and are inspiring work for something even bigger.  Motivation that’s only about you doesn’t make you a leader. If you have to tell people that you do the right thing for the firm and that it’s firm first, you’re trying too hard. Most people who are motivated by something bigger than themselves never tell you what the reason is: it’s only by getting to know them that you find out.

4) Empathy: often this is misinterpreted as trying to make everyone happy. It actually means considering employees’ feelings before you act. You can still make hard decisions while being empathetic. Empathy isn’t an excuse for not doing the right thing.

5) Social Skills: this is why teamwork comes up so much when employees are assessed. These are people who know who to call, how to get people to help: they understand how to navigate the system. They know how to pull people together, not allow them to drift apart into self interested factions.

Can you succeed without emotional intelligence? Maybe. But wouldn’t you rather be a leader who has these traits?

 

26. Be consistent. Random wins don’t make you a first string player.

Consistency is underrated because it’s boring.  But it’s hugely important.

Many times,  I’ve had people point out the times when “they were a leader”, when “they fixed problems”, or “handled things well”.  Yes, but are you consistent? For every time you exhibited those traits, were there times when you didn’t? Or is not demonstrating those traits actually your norm? Consistency means almost always.  You are almost always precise, organized, articulate, strategic, team player….

People value track records, and they value consistency. They want to know that they can always count on you to be predictable. When you’re unpredictable, you’re unreliable.

I’ve sat in a lot of promotion discussions where the issue wasn’t that the person didn’t exhibit the behaviors we were looking for, the issue was they weren’t consistent. Inconsistency raises red flags. It implies risk.

If you get feedback about things you think you do already, ask yourself if you’re consistent and be honest with yourself. When you raise the bar to become more consistent, you raise your game.

What to do when you think your boss hates you.

Someone I worked with in the past put some time on my calendar to catch up. The net net is that she was miserable.

Why? She was having a terrible time with her boss. She found him dismissive and sarcastic, he ignored her emails and requests for help. This has been going on for several months. What to do?

All of us have had the experience of working for someone you can’t connect with. Sometimes, it’s a very bad situation, where you are miserable every day you come in, overcome with anxiety about the future, and walking on eggshells that you’ll make an error.

Here’s the advice I gave:

1. Have a conversation with your manager and put your feelings on the table.  I know this is hard, but it’s the only way to deal with the problem. The key is to stay factual about the behaviors you’re observing, how it makes you feel, and how it’s impacting your ability to work. Either your manager will be surprised and will try to change their behavior, or your manager will agree with you that it’s not working between the two of you.  If it’s not working, think about whether or not the situation can change, or whether or not the relationship isn’t salvageable.  If you don’t think it can be worked out, let your manager know that you think other options need to be considered, like looking for a new role.  The key is to maintain the right tone: this isn’t about trying to address the sins of the past and leaving tomorrow. You want to deal with the problem and move forward, for both of you.

2. Once you ascertain the above, it’s time to take action. If your manager agrees it’s not working, you need to come up with Plan B. You’re better off looking for something else to do. Talk to people you trust, see if there are openings in other areas. You’re not looking to leave in a huff or make a statement, you’re just looking at other options. Sometimes it just doesn’t work.

3. Once you do find  something suitable, let your boss know. You want his or her support: again, you’re not going for a dramatic exit here. They shouldn’t be surprised given that you’ve already had the first conversation.

4. Manage the optics: it’s important that your reasons for moving aren’t because “you and your boss don’t get along”. It’s better to focus on the positive..that another opportunity that seems a better fit came up. Don’t feed the gossip mill.

5. Don’t leave your boss in the lurch. Work on the transition plan, help train the new person. No matter how the other person acts, you always want your behavior to be above reproach.

 

Feedback Decoded: “You need to work on your executive presence”.

When I hear this one, it tells me that you’re doing something that would make people think you’re more junior than you are. The good news is that it’s usually about how people perceive you, as opposed to your content. So a couple of things which may be causing this:

1. Immature behavior: you could joke too much, dress too casually, be perceived as too cavalier about the job, inappropriately oversharing…just doing things more senior people wouldn’t do. Great executives are incredibly consistent, always measured. They never curse, they don’t have outbursts in public, they have a sense of humor, but you know they mean business. Ken Chenault, the CEO of American Express is a great example of consistency. In all his town halls, he is clear, measured, in charge. He always wears a blue blazer with khakis. He always starts on time. He has a sense of humor. As an employee, you feel immense confidence in  him as a leader.

2. You show your negative emotions publicly: you’re frazzled, angry, frantic from running from one thing to another and you show it to people indiscriminately.  No executive ever shows panic…outwardly. They are always calm and collected on the outside. See my previous post  on this here….

3. You have difficulty presenting to a senior audience. Practice, practice, practice. Make notes. What are the 3 points you want to make? Don’t read presentations line by line to senior people…as one managing director once said to me: “I’ve been reading since I was 12.” Ouch.

4. Your language is too personal, too colloquial, you use emoticons in your emails. “You guys” or anything overly familiar will not work. You emote on email….if people only knew how many times those emails are forwarded with a “Can you believe this?” message, they would stop doing this.

5. You’re too quiet. People aren’t sure what your point of view is. You don’t come off as someone who can make the hard decisions…worse you might come off as someone who doesn’t have a clue.

The good news is none of the above is impossible to fix. But it does require you to change your behavior…noticeably. Not just a little. You can’t be a little immature.  I once read a great quote: “I don’t take myself seriously, but I take my job very seriously.”  You need to make sure you’re not switching the two. But you’ll find that once you start focusing on your “executive presence”, people will start noticing. But it does take time to change people’s perceptions.

Why I picked the picture? You ever notice how lifeguards have absolute authority on the beach? I have never seen anyone debate with a lifeguard, who’s usually a kid with a sunburn and a whistle. They take their job seriously and show it. And people respond.

Still Learning (sigh)

So you know when you have one of those weeks when it seemed every day someone was pushing your buttons and you behaved in a way you now regret?

All of us have triggers: something that when someone does it to you, you see red. For me, it’s when someone makes excuses when something goes wrong. I am not happy when mistakes happen, but if you take accountability, explain to me how you’ll make sure it won’t happen again, I’ll get over it.

It’s a mistake to give me a bunch of excuses. I will see red. (BTW, most managers will too).

The problem is that when we see red, we lapse into our more basic “fight or flight” mode. For some people, they will start dissolving in tears. Some people will shout back and get abusive. Some people will shut down.

There is nothing harder than trying to overcome your natural tendencies. The first step is to be aware: what happens when I am in flight or fight mode? What are the warning signs so that I know to pull back, excuse myself, do something so that I’m not pushed into the danger zone? If you are self-aware, you know to take yourself out of the situation before you do something you’ll regret.

Someone sent me this article about what distinguishes the people we love to work for. It’s a great aspirational article that absolutely hits all the right points. I struggled with number 5 this week “They always think before they speak and act.” I didn’t throw a chair, but I did raise my voice and get visibly mad. Now, I’ve learned enough in my career to know not to make it personal, and I know to do number 8.”They never talk out of school”, but still. I wish I could have stayed calm and kept my volume down. I knew the person felt bad. I just didn’t exercise the self restraint because I saw red.

Still learning. Sigh