I came across this quotation as a result of some work I’ve been doing and it’s so true….
“Behind every successful woman is a tribe of other successful women who have her back.”

After working for 25+ years in corporate America, there is no more truer statement. Yes, I have male ex-colleagues I still keep in touch with, but I have so many more women I can turn to for help and support.

One of my greatest regrets is that for a long time, I viewed other women as competition. This, coupled with insecurity, is a bad combination….it craters relationships and it makes you sell yourself short. You tend to keep everyone at arms’ distance. It diminishes your contribution. And it’s all your own doing.

I learned later in life that this had to change. But I regret that I hurt other people for no good reason than my own insecurity. And I shortchanged myself in having relationships.

I think this continues to hamper women…whenever I hear a story about a female boss who keeps her direct down and out of the spotlight, or a direct report who tries to undermine her boss, or a colleague who sabotages another person…I think this toxic combination comes into play.

It’s not easy to stop it…it took me a long time. As I grew more self-confident at work, I started understanding that it was just wrong to view anyone else as competition…I was only competing against myself. And that the challenges at work was too big to solve on your own…you had to team up with other people. And as I started learning, I saw I could help others by sharing my experience and what worked for me.

I also learned to reach out for help. I thought I had to be perfect, know all the answers, and never need help. I realized that when I really needed the help, other women would be easier for me to approach and ask. Never have I had a woman let me down.

So, find your tribe. Or be part of someone else’s.

For those of you who have followed my blog, you know how much I love Sandra Oh. My niece and I bemoan her departure on Grey’s Anatomy (even though I think Bailey is the new heart of that show). Cristina Yang is our hero.

In case you missed her Golden Globes Acceptance speech, here it is. The most moving part is the tribute to her parents where she thanks them in Korean and bows. The press picked up the Korean, but no one mentioned the bow. Anyone who is Korean knows what a tremendous show of respect and love that is.

Last year, she was the first Asian woman to receive an Emmy nomination for outstanding female lead. Shes been nominated for many other awards. She was the first Asian woman to host the Golden Globes. She is amazing.

To the employee – You think you know it all. You think you should be promoted already. You think you’re much smarter than your manager. And you do all sorts of things as a result of your opinion of yourself. So let me tell you the reality:

1. Everyone knows you’re in it for you. Nothing is more blatantly transparent that someone who only cares about their own agenda. It doesn’t endear you to others, it doesn’t make colleagues want to work with you, it doesn’t make other managers want you. You come off as suspect.
2. You do stupid things which show it. Like having meetings two levels up. Leaving your manager out of the loop. Not responding to emails. Making sure your manager doesn’t know what’s going on. Not cc’ing them on key emails, not telling them things they need to know. Being hard to find.
3. You honestly believe this is a strategy. Maybe you read somewhere that you have to act like you’re already at the level you want to be at. This is not what that means. Please! Just stop.

To the manager: so what do you do when you have one of these types of people working for you?

1. Have the honest conversation. Brutally honest. But keep your cool..stick to the facts. Show how they exhibit a pattern. Explain how it’s counterproductive and affecting performance: yours, hers/his, others. The key point here is not whether or not you two like each other….it’s how the behavior is affecting performance. Talk about how it is hurting the individual. How the individual is getting a reputation. How others have noticed the bad behavior. But no throwing other people under the bus.
2. Offer to help the person but make it clear that this is it. Either they are 1) oblivious (but I doubt it), 2) thought it was actually a good strategy…either way, hopefully they are willing to change. Give them feedback constantly…..this is you helping. Call them out on it. Like “that email you sent? It shouldn’t have been forwarded to me by everyone on it who saw I wasn’t on it.” But make it clear that if the person doesn’t change, there will be changes.
3. Make sure your manager has your back. Chances are this person already has been running to Mom or Dad. Keep them updated on what’s going on and how you’re handling it. Understand though, this is your job….they can’t manage the situation for you. If you’re getting taken advantage of, they’re going to expect you to handle it. Also let them know if they’re inadvertently enabling the bad behavior (e.g. giving them access).
4. Tell HR. In order to get out of the he said/she said, you need a third party. It doesn’t need to be a formal written thing, but they need to be made aware. They’ve seen this a million times,…and a good HR person will give you perspective too. Keep notes of the conversation, dates of the discussions.
5. Look at this as a development opportunity. You’re going to have people like this no matter what role you’re in….whether it’s a troublesome colleague, an unsupportive boss. Being able to deal with difficult people is the hardest lesson to learn as a manager. Your job isn’t to keep the peace…it’s to ensure that the right people are in the firm to get things done. Either this person is an asset to the firm or they’re not.

I came across this article, and I really love it. It might be too ambitious for one month, but it lists everything you should be thinking about doing….

I love number 1 and number 30. Number 1 asks the question: “Ask yourself: What do I want that I already have? What else, if anything, do I truly want?” It’s so easy to fall into the trap that more is better…we are motivated to get more of what we like. But this question makes you stop and define limits. And limits can be comforting in their own way…like a finish line at the end of a race. You’re done.

January 30: Start hugging or kissing your family before you leave for work.

I like this one too. My parents weren’t big on PDA, but my mom would always see my dad off in the morning, and be awake when he came home at night. Some nights, he’d bring her home take-out sushi from Hatsuhana as a treat. No PDA, but a lot of love.

With my own family, I am big on the hugs and kisses. To me, it’s a way to say “this is how much you mean to me”. I may not always say it in the right way, but I’m hoping you know it by what I do.