Someone I worked with in the past put some time on my calendar to catch up. The net net is that she was miserable.

Why? She was having a terrible time with her boss. She found him dismissive and sarcastic, he ignored her emails and requests for help. This has been going on for several months. What to do?

All of us have had the experience of working for someone you can’t connect with. Sometimes, it’s a very bad situation, where you are miserable every day you come in, overcome with anxiety about the future, and walking on eggshells that you’ll make an error.

Here’s the advice I gave:

1. Have a conversation with your manager and put your feelings on the table.  I know this is hard, but it’s the only way to deal with the problem. The key is to stay factual about the behaviors you’re observing, how it makes you feel, and how it’s impacting your ability to work. Either your manager will be surprised and will try to change their behavior, or your manager will agree with you that it’s not working between the two of you.  If it’s not working, think about whether or not the situation can change, or whether or not the relationship isn’t salvageable.  If you don’t think it can be worked out, let your manager know that you think other options need to be considered, like looking for a new role.  The key is to maintain the right tone: this isn’t about trying to address the sins of the past and leaving tomorrow. You want to deal with the problem and move forward, for both of you.

2. Once you ascertain the above, it’s time to take action. If your manager agrees it’s not working, you need to come up with Plan B. You’re better off looking for something else to do. Talk to people you trust, see if there are openings in other areas. You’re not looking to leave in a huff or make a statement, you’re just looking at other options. Sometimes it just doesn’t work.

3. Once you do find  something suitable, let your boss know. You want his or her support: again, you’re not going for a dramatic exit here. They shouldn’t be surprised given that you’ve already had the first conversation.

4. Manage the optics: it’s important that your reasons for moving aren’t because “you and your boss don’t get along”. It’s better to focus on the positive..that another opportunity that seems a better fit came up. Don’t feed the gossip mill.

5. Don’t leave your boss in the lurch. Work on the transition plan, help train the new person. No matter how the other person acts, you always want your behavior to be above reproach.