I recently had a conversation with someone about her relationship with her mother.  Their relationship is very difficult, with the mother wanting to control her daughter through bullying behavior….all in the name of “what’s best for her”.   The guilt she’s feeling is huge.  It got me thinking about the skill and will matrix and applying to your personal relationships.

So, in the workplace:  “skill” refers to the skills an individual has for a job. “Will” indicates what they want to do. So high will and high skill employees are easy: they do well and want to do well. Low skill and low will people don’t want to be there…and they’re not good at it either. High will, low skill?  They want to learn to be better.

We struggle with people who are high skill and low will: they are smart, charming, and have great skills, but want to do what they want to do when they want to do it. Those are folks who never change and are highly disruptive, but we feel bad because we think we should be able to fix it  somehow.

I think in personal relationships, “skill” means what that person is supposed to be able to do based on their role, just like work.  It’s giving advice, comfort, security, and loyalty as a friend or family member.  “Will” represents what they want for you….what is their intention?  Do they want what’s best for you?

So the same assumptions apply: the high skill/high wills are the best. People who want the best for you, and also are great at demonstrating it and making you feel that way. And the tricky category?  It’s those high skill and low will people again.  They have the ability to help you…but at the end of the day, they don’t.   They are great manipulators… their agenda is more important (making you do what they want you to do). They have low will when it comes to you because they are right.

Again, I come to the same conclusion. They can’t change. They don’t want to change. And it’s hard because you think “it should work”.  It’s even harder when it’s a family member because they’re supposed to be high will.  But if they don’t want to?  It’s the same thing all over again.  You can’t move them out of their job, but you can control things like the amount of interaction you have with them. Just like work, this is not on you.