Some of you checked in with me just to see how I was doing because I stopped posting. To be honest…I just didn’t know what to say. To be upbeat seemed glib, to be honest was depressing. I wrote a couple of posts but just couldn’t bring myself to post them. But today is different.
Today is the anniversary of my dad’s death. Some of you know he passed away from Parkinson’s. Having lived with it up close, my heart drops every time I hear someone was diagnosed with this disease.
So here’s what I learned…
- You think you’re ok, and then you’re not. The grief comes on like it just happened. You can’t breathe, your eyes tear, you can’t speak because of the lump in your throat. and then you have days when you get annoyed because people leave dishes in the sink instead of the dishwasher!
- There is nothing you won’t do for someone you love when they need you. I remember crazy things, like pretending to call Korean Airlines to book my dad a ticket because he was convinced he had a business trip. I told him every flight was booked and we had to call tomorrow. I would make up fake invoices when my dad went for a few hours to assisted care to give my mom a break….explaining to dad that it was his “office”. (He saw my math error!) I slept in the next room to take him to the bathroom (I had to keep a diary for the doctor on times and amounts). And you know what? I’d do it all again.
- Other people’s kindness will overwhelm you. Our medical people were fantastic….they were reassuring…both to my dad and to the family. They were optimistic even in the face of the inevitability of the disease. But it’s also the random acts of kindness: we went out to eat with my dad for breakfast in a country restaurant. We got ready to leave, and found out someone had already paid our bill.
- You need to be the advocate when they can’t. Needless to say, I was not easy to deal with. I would spend time grilling the doctors, wanting to know what we needed to do. I would be on the phone with the drug company. I would research the Internet. Doctors don’t know everything….and they aren’t infallible. My dad couldn’t always explain what was happening to him… but I could.
- They know. I had moments with my dad I remember (sneaking him a second piece of pie when Mom wasn’t looking, giving him a shave, cooking breakfast). But the reality is that while I am glad I was with him at the end, what counts is all the time you’ve spent with them beforehand. So don’t wait for the grand gesture. Make the deposits now…often. Whether or not you’re with them at the end…..they know.