It’s one of the few times when putting yourself first is required.

The point is, you can’t help anyone if you’re not ok. But taking care of ourselves doesn’t come naturally sometimes. It feels like we’re being selfish. There are so many other things that need to be done. We prioritize our needs last because we’re so busy taking care of everyone else.

As the oldest in my family, I always felt that responsibility. My mom didn’t speak English fluently, my dad was on the road a lot, so I always felt like the “mom”.  In my culture, you are trained to think of everyone before yourself.

But you can’t take care of anyone if you are not taking care of yourself. The basics:  eat right, get rest, be in good health. Go to your doctor appointments annually. Go to the dentist twice a year. Use sunscreen. Get exercise. Pay attention to whatever seems not “right”. Your intuition is speaking to you for a reason. Don’t ignore it.

Last year, I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer: DCIS. It’s the best kind, if you’re going to get it…very high cure rates when caught early. Even so, I needed a lumpectomy, radiation every day for 6 weeks, and now I’m on tamoxifen for 5 years. I never smoked, have no history of it in my family, considered myself pretty healthy. So I was really shocked. There were some mornings where I’d think to myself “I have cancer” because it didn’t seem real to me.

That’s an extreme case of making sure you take care of yourself. But so many women I spoke to (I felt it was really important for me to share my story so that women would feel incented to get mammograms) had not had one even though they knew they needed to, because of family history or prior medical issues.  I would have never found the cancer through self examination: it was behind my nipple. Only my routine mammogram would have picked it up. And my options would have been very different depending on when I found out.

So, do what the airline attendants tell you. Oxygen mask on you first.

I had a conversation with a lovely young woman who’s just starting out…she’s three years into her career since graduating from school. She asked me some very good questions…so I thought it would be worth posting here.

1. “Do you need an MBA?”

I get asked this a lot. Full disclosure, I do have an MBA…I felt I needed one because I worked in banking and my undergrad major was history. But it’s a big time commitment, not to mention the costs. And at the time, the MBA meant a lot more…now, it might be a nice to have, but it’s definitely not a prerequisite for success. But I do think learning is a great thing, and there may be subjects you need to understand or you just enjoy. Take advantage if your firm has tuition reimbursement programs. Learning something is never a bad thing.

2. “All my friends have changed jobs, but I haven’t. Am I missing out on something?”

When you’re starting your career, all you’re really trying to do is figure out what you love, and what you’re good at. And hopefully the two are one and the same! Two years after  I graduated from business school, it seemed everyone had changed their jobs. But here’s the thing…they didn’t change jobs because they had great opportunities (though they might position it that way), they changed jobs because they were unhappy. So don’t feel bad because you are happy with your job and your firm. As long as you’re learning, you trust and like the people you work with, and you feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment…you got it right. There’s no need to try other hotels if you’re already at the Ritz-Carlton!

3. “Can I talk to my manager about things like promotion?”

Absolutely. That is the conversation you should be having. Now, marching in and demanding that this be the year you get promoted isn’t the way to do it. Pick a logical time (usually midyear reviews are good times). A good opening:

“One thing that would help me. I’d like to continue progressing in my career, and it would be helpful to know what you think my development areas are to get to the next level?”

A couple of things will happen. Your manager will either be totally prepared to give you feedback, and give you some sense of where they see you in terms of your readiness. Your manager might be totally shocked that you’re thinking about promotion because they didn’t think you wanted it or because they never thought of you that way. Whatever the outcome, none of these scenarios are a bad thing. Either way, you’re opening up communications….the worst is when the employee and manager are in very different places on the subject.

4. “I get told I need to speak up more. How do I do that?”

Same way you get to Carnegie Hall…practice, practice, practice. You want to build muscle memory….and get your body used to it so it doesn’t put you in flight or fight mode. Start small: safe places like a staff meeting with your peers. Give yourself a goal: at least once a day, you’re going to speak up. Then every meeting you attend, you’re going to speak up. Here’s the thing: no one expects you to have the right answer …but they do expect you to have a point of view.  And if all communication stopped, all business would cease. Nothing would happen. So that’s really how work gets done. So if you don’t speak, you’re not contributing in a very important way.

One strategy I use is I’m the “recap” person. I’m rarely the first person talking. I like to hear what everyone has to say. Then I sum up what I think the conclusions were “It sounds like we all agree x, but we’re still not sure about y”.  Or build on someone else’s point…”I think Joe makes a good point because…..”. People love when you agree with them in public!

5. “What about compensation?”

This is tricky. It’s hard talking about money. My sense is the best you can do if you’re unhappy is have a conversation with your manager ahead of the compensation decisions and just say “I know you do your best to make sure we get paid fairly. If there’s anything you can do for me this year, I’d really appreciate it.”  I am not a fan of getting another job and asking for a counter-offer (you’ve just shown me that you’re not loyal and am holding me hostage…how am I supposed to feel good about that?), am certainly not a fan of demanding it. But also not a fan of being entirely mute on the subject if you think you’re not being paid as you should be.

But let me also say that in the beginning, you shouldn’t be making decisions because of money. Now, if your lifestyle is awful, or unsafe because you’re not making enough, you have to assess what’s going on. But in the early days, what seems like a lot of money will seem like a rounding error when you look back. I laugh when I think about how we as grad students agonized over offers because one had a $5,000 signing bonus and one didn’t. Stay focused on the main goal: to learn, to work at a great firm with great people, and gain skills. The money will come. If it doesn’t, you’re that much more saleable in the market because you’re great at what you do, and getting the money won’t be an issue. Just don’t chase the money….chase the experience.

Notice I didn’t say what was important to you. By core value, I mean something that defines how you want to live your life. That if this value isn’t driving your choices, you’re going to be unhappy. Lie awake at night worrying. Regretting choices. Stress eating. Behavior that you know is detrimental to your overall well being.

So fill it in: If I am not ______, I won’t/can’t be truly happy.

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