I get asked a lot about “work life balance” and how I do it. It’s not easy.

Personally, I don’t believe it exists if you define it as balancing work and life equally all the time. Just from a pure math point of view, if you work 5 days a week, there is no way that there can be balance from a time allotment perspective. Balance implies you have equal weight on both sides. So we feel guilty because we can’t achieve the balance, and we beat ourselves up even though it’s impossible.  And we feel bad because we’re told we can have it all. But what does that mean?

What I do believe is in work life balancing. 

There will be times when you will have to work long hours at the office because of an event….a presentation, a problem, a project. But that shouldn’t be every day. And on those days when things are more “normal”, you should take advantage of those hours to do things unrelated to work. Just like I prioritize my work life, I prioritize my personal life.

So some lessons learned….

1.  I know who’s really important to me and that’s where I invest my time.  There are a lot of people I like. But there are only a few people I really love.  That’s where I invest my time. Trying to be friends with everyone I like is too time consuming for me. I’d rather spend time with those people I love. So, how do I do that?

• Every time my parents are in town, I show up and have dinner with them. I always remember important dates for them and send a card and call. I call weekly. It’s not enough(my mother would be happy if I moved back home), but I can consistently deliver.
• If my best friends need me, I’m there. When my best friend Maria got her kidney transplant from her husband, I moved in to take care of the family.  I cooked, did laundry, walked the dog, took out the garbage…I became the mom. I took unpaid leave from work, put my blackberry in the drawer, and relocated to Virginia. The hardest part was the driving (I don’t really drive- I know it amazes people) And driving her son Ken every day to swim practice went like this (BTW, it was 5 minutes from door to pool):

“Can I sit up front?”

“No.”

“Can I turn on the radio?”

“No”

“Why?”

“I am driving and I need to be really focused, so put on your seat belt and please be quiet.”

“Why are we parked so far away from the entrance?”

“I don’t want to park near any cars that I might hit!”

(Should I mention he needed to show me how to turn on the windshield wipers when it started to rain?)

2.  Be consistent. Being consistent is the most underrated attribute in the world, but is one of the most important in order to help manage other people’s expectations. I know someone who leaves every Friday to pick up his kids at 4. We all know, and we work around it. It’s not a big deal for us, but I am willing to bet it’s a big deal for his kids. It’s easier for a manager to manage a flexible work arrangement if it’s consistent. Of course, when something happens, you just have to go and take care of it. The world will continue.

3. Do the small things. Taking time from work is a big gesture. But I also email/text Maria every day…(what are you doing, what did you eat, what did Ken do to annoy you today?)  Are there times when it’s radio silence? Sure. But she knows at some point I’ll resurface.

4. I make sure I have “me” time. I am an introvert, so having alone time is important for me to feel good. It’s usually 5Am…but it’s worth it to me so I make the effort.  I can do the small tasks around the house, I can spend time reviewing my personal notebook. It helps me stay balanced.

5. I try to eliminate daily annoyances as much as possible. These are the things that can ruin your day…like leaving the house and realizing you forgot your wallet/ID/train pass. Or not being able to find something (like your keys). Or finding out someone in the family has a crisis. The remedy to these things is to be organized and stay calm.  Organization ensures consistency, no different from work. It may sound boring, but it gives you time to plan your excitement.