Often, people misunderstand other people’s intentions….especially when the majority of our communications are non-verbal. Hastily sent emails on blackberry are not the best ways of conveying information, yet it’s the majority of what we do.

So when you get the email which strikes you as nasty, rude, abrupt, condescending, embarrassing, humiliating….(add adjective) and you start drafting an equally annoyed response….

Or when a peer tells you that they were talking to your boss, and your boss is “upset that you’re not pulling your weight”, “you’re not competent”, “unhappy with you”…

Or when someone is giving you feedback that strikes you as wrong….

Assume positive intent.  Assume that they are not trying to get you upset, angry, humiliated. Assume that they want the best for you, but the way they are communicating it is not making you feel that way.

Take a breath, and think about doing one of the following:
1. Call the person. No email lob back. In a friendly, interested manner, say “Hey, I saw the email you just sent. I was a little taken aback because you seemed upset. What’s going on?”
Most times, the person 1) didn’t mean for it to sound that way, 2) was upset but it’s not about you, it’s about the situation, 3) realized after they sent it and now, re-reading it, sees that it probably wasn’t the best way to convey their thoughts. Or there is an issue. But it’s better resolved in person than in email.
2. Go to the source. You don’t need to say who told you, but it’s best to ask “Is there anything you’re concerned about regarding my performance?” If there is, your boss should tell you. If there isn’t, maybe the messenger got the wrong message.
3. Listen to the words, not the emotion. In a meeting with all the heads of a business I supported (I was in operations), the head of Europe sales said “Operations is the cancer of this business!” There was a dead silence as everyone looked at me. I mumbled something. After the break the person came up to me and shamefacedly said “I was told I needed to apologize to you”. I looked at him and told him, “Here’s the problem. When you are emotional, people focus on how you’re saying things…not what you’re saying. So even though what you’re saying is what you feel (we did have operational issues), people dismiss the issues because they say you’re emotional. It’s better if you try and keep the emotion out of it.” We got along fine after that.

So, do some people have negative intent? Sure. But most of the time, there’s a miscommunication or misunderstanding that leads inadvertently to people not trusting each other, escalating, and not talking. So assume positive intent until you are proven unequivocally otherwise.